The Others.

I stopped writing here because I didn't have anything positive to say.

I felt that I was writing the same thing over and over.

I want to move on , I want things to be different.

I hate that I am stuck here in the same emotional place that I've been in for the last 6 years.

I am trying to live my life.

I live a very small life, occupying a small space and going around inside my little circle. A circle I have created for myself.

I guess I feel safe in the circle, but it sure is boring and deadening to the spirit.

I haven't made any friends at all since I moved here 3 years ago.

I go to a book group with my support worker but I don't even know anyone's name.

The one good thing to report is that the team here have really taken on board my DID diagnoses and are very keen on educating themselves about it.

They encourage my others to talk and be themselves ( not that they have a choice LOL !)

I have a new CPN and she is very nice and is busy reading books on DID and even wants to try and find a training course she could go on

I'm still seeing D every 5-6 weeks, he continues to be my mainstay, the one stable thing in my life.

We talk on the email most days and he phones once a week.

It's not therapy, but at least it's support and he is still there for me/us.

I suppose that this is going to be as good as it gets for us.

I would wish for myselves something more fulfilling, some contentment at least, a life with a lot less anxiety would be nice!

At least we are alive, that is an achievement in itself!

I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote here.

I've had a really bad bout of depression and I lost all motivation.

I am trying hard to drag myselves out of it.

Some of the Others are making it hard because they keep taking over and I lose the time.

I guess they believe they are helping but it keeps me stuck in the same place.

I haven't got a lot to say, my life consists of the same things.

Switching, switching and switching!

I wish I could get back to writing my book. my brain just freezes up though everytime I think about writing.

I can't even get down to writing about my therapy years for this site. I know it would help others not make the same mistakes I did, but it's so painful to think about.

I will try and come back here more often though !

A switch has taken place. I think the depression reached critical mass and something had to give.

Some of the others have taken over and even presented to my mental health team, which is scary for me!

Letting them out though does give me a big sense of relief.

I miss JK more then I'd like to admit. I'm trying to move on though because we would only have hurt him more then we had already.

I'm looking at dating sites again but really , how can we ever make a relationship work?

There are too many of us with different needs.

We have also looked for a therapist with DID experience. D thinks it would be a good idea - but the whole trust issue rears it's head again - I'm just not sure we could even trust a little bit to give it a go.

I really need to update our story on here but going into the therapy years is so painful I'm not sure I can go back there - but the whole point of this site is to help other multiples. I need to just go for it .......

I haven't written anything for ages.

I've been so depressed and still am.

I don't know what to write. My whole thought process is off. I'm paranoid and feeling sh*t.

It's been snowing here- last week and now again this week.

I hope the roads will be okay for me to travel to T.

Everything feels so awful and black.

There is nothing left inside of me to fight.

I just want to give up...........

So many nightmares. I'm barely sleeping, the demons surround me day and night.

I'm so worn down.

We feel so much body pain. I think my body feels what my soul cannot.

Today I saw a swan trying to swim against the tide, she got nowhere, she paddled and paddled but remained in one spot, the current was too strong for her.

I wonder where it was she wanted to go?

I'm struggling against the current also, and I'm worn out.

I think I will drown soon...............

Christmas is coming. I both love and hate Christmas.

I'm very low still. I can't seem to pull out of it.

Life goes on around me but I'm not touched by it. I'm behind the glass wall.

I want to feel something but I'm frozen, the ice splinter is caught in my eye and I'm dead inside.

I know that I'm sad and that the sadness is slowly killing everything that was alive in me. 

I can't stop it happening because the sadness is apart from me, it belongs to another and she is grieving for her lost life.

Life moves on for others, but for us - we stayed trapped behind the glass, all we can do is watch and our heart freezes a little more each day.

I don't know why I'm here. My life is full of pain and despair.

I feel as if I exist only to be useful to other people.

I don't know what to do anymore, the depression isn't lifting, it's getting worse.

I feel as if my head is going to burst with the pressure.

I don't want to turn down the dead end road, the one that leads to suicide. I've been down there plenty of times and it's a very painful journey. But I don't want to live like this.

What shall I do? I want to run away from it all. Dissociating is like running away, but we all feel the pain, we can't run away from that.

I need to do something drastic to change our life, or that cul de sac will be our only possibility..............

I'm feeling very sad. People want things from me and I can't give them.

I'm very disconnected right now. I'm trying hard to deal with some bad things.

October is a bad month for us, some of our past is connected to rituals. We try not to think too much about it but some of our insiders are very triggered.

JK has gone for good this time, that makes me very sad. I do understand why he has to move on, but I will miss our emails.

Winter is around the corner, dark nights, cold days. I'm so low, how many more winters can we survive - how many more do we want to survive?

I hate myself.

I hate that I feel this way.

I want to be normal. I just want to be normally miserable like everyone else.

I'm sick of this sickness, it takes and takes and keeps taking.

I have nothing left...........

I'm empty..........................